I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
