I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
