I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just want nice things and good sex
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
