mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
