you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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