i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
