My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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