between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
