I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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