There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
smell my finger.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
