Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
