Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
