I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
