I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
