mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Randomize
