Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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