im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
