Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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