I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We left the knife in your bed.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
