Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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