just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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