My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
