My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
