Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
