she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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