I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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