She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
