Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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