I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
