remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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