Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The beer is more important than you right now.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
