He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
