Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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