When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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