I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I think I just sharted jello shots
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
