I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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