If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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