She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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