quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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