I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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