You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
This is my gift to your gina
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
