The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
tell me about the fingering
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