I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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