Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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