Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
