So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
