Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
