She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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