we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
