i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
